oh, now the wind throws the shit in my face...

i'm feeling fucking horrible about tonight now. i've spent a night thinking about it, wondering how liz thinks of me now, wondering if steve is going to get through this, whether or not i should just fucking leave and make all this better. i spent some time writing, and i wrote some of the most suicidal lines i have ever written. my body is shaking from the sudden let down. i can't even hold anything, i'll drop it. and i'm scared of what i might do.

and that was the second half of my night. i also got bitched out by my mom because i abruptly came home...fuck off. and i just talked to liz...i honestly think i lost her as a friend tonight, that i shouldn't even try mending anything between her and me because it's not worth it. it'll all come crashing down again. she tried telling me that i'm a good person, i just fucked up, but i am a fucking horrible person. i shouldn't even be allowed to live, i've hurt so many people...and i can't stand living with this guilt, with any of this anymore. i think i'm just going to give up now, just throw everything away that i've worked hard for. fuck school, fuck my music, fuck everything. it's all seems to be a waste now. i can't stand it. i can't take back anything that i've said or done now, i can only hope i don't do the same thigns again, but i know i will fuck up again, i know that i will do the same stupid shit over again, and i'll just end up in this fucking circle, right back where i started. and it's stupid. i'm stupid. i'm fucked up. i should've never been born into this world. i get in countless fights with my parents, i always piss off people, i always say the wrong things, i always end up losing all that i worked hard for...fuck it all...i don't care...it's all gone....i'm not going to school tomorrow, maybe not monday, maybe never again. never again if i get my way.